Top of the morning to ya, internet fans! Brian McFadd-Doll here from ex-boyband 'Wet-Life' to review your music. Now, Trash-Hits is paying a lot of buttons for this gig so my views will be as hard-hitting as usual. If you want to be reviewed, just get in touch via the contact us page and be prepared to be dazzled or frazzled.

1 November 2007:

The Hermit Crabs

The first band to be reviewed (and the ones that started this whole idea) sent us a lovely message on the 17th August 2007. Remember this guys?

Hi there... twee fan?
if you feel so inclined, you can now listen to our latest song called "Goodbye My Friend" on our MySpace page. There's no strings or keyboards on this one and its pretty up-beat. still twee though.........or.... if you like it heavier you could start at "bad timing "and work yer way back
Cheers
ps apologies if you do not feel so inclined and can't be bothered listening to yet another band

Well, I didn't get to where I am today by being 'twee' guys. I got there by writing good songs, or at the very least providing excellent backing vocals to songs written by other people. However, I listened to the two songs that you mentioned in your message and I thought they were very good. I must say, you sound a little like Camera Obscura and Belle and Sebastian, whoever they are. In fact, 'Goodbye My Friend' is almost as good as a song that I might write, well done!

BRIAN RECOMMENDS: More of the same.

Grand : PM

Our second band sent us this message on the 23rd August 2007:

This is a copy and pasted message. But we really do think you'll enjoy our music..
It's impossible to send every person we'd like to get in touch with a personal message right off the start.
Check us out, if you like us, give us an add, if not, we'll still love you.
And we do respond to every single message that is sent back to us afterwards. <3 GPM

Come on boys, I'm taking time out from boning the missus to review you guys, the least you could do is write a personalised message to our esteemed editor. Oh well, I won't hold it against you - he's an idiot...

'Party In Your Basement', may be what it would sound like if The Faint and Pink Grease got together - dark yet seductive electronica that will get the girls in your neighbourhood panting like they're at a naked Justin Timberlake gig. However, the other songs don't really do you justice, do they? Oh well, it's hard to become a hit machine like me...

BRIAN RECOMMENDS: Your homework is to spend a week listening to Kraftwerk.

Donde Stars

Our final review for today, comes from a message we received last December:

Just browsing my space looking for friends and noticed that you are into a lot of the same music we are in to, as such we thought we would add you as a friend and invite you to have a little listen to our music. We are releasing the tracks in March and hope you like them.
Have a lovely Christmas,
The Donde Stars

And a Happy Christmas to you too, though a year late. I see you've released a single, as I'm a nice multi-million pound doll - with an extremely attractive missus - I'll plug it for you.

Sounding like that Jeff Buckley chap - Ronan Keyring made me listen to him - the Donde Stars appear to be fans of expansive rock shenanigans, that is if their single tracks are anything to by. 'Pianissimo' is an elegant little number that, before his untimely demise, Buckley himself would have been most proud of - though the chorus is more Radiohead than Radio-friendly. Sadly, the comparisons in quality do not quite match the comparisons in vocals on some of the other tracks, they sing a good note but they don't bite...

BRIAN RECOMMENDS: You dig deep to find a soul within your music, it currently sounds a little too much like a tribute act - get angry and get expressive.